• Finding Forgiveness in Relationships

    I didn’t want to admit it, but he was the same type of man I always drew into my life. The type who seemed to care more about his world than learning about mine.

    At about the same time I realized I’d done it again, a different man from my past reached out needing something from me as well. Well, this poor guy got the “wrath of the woman scorned”.

    I texted him back about how he never asked about me, how he only reached out to tell me something about himself or ask for something from me. I spewed on and on about the self-centeredness and how “Hi there” does not translate into, “I’m interested in what’s going on in your life”!

    I watched myself type furiously into my phone, surprised at all the bottled-up anger capped over with “be nice”. In a moment of complete honesty, I let it all out.

    I felt like I had more room to breathe, and later apologized for going “a little nuts”.

    But had I stopped there, I’d have missed the point of the synchronicities and the lesson. My arguing was not going to change the situation or my pattern. My forgiveness would.

    When you’ve been hurt, betrayed, criticized, or rejected in any way, it can be very difficult to forgive. Instead, we want to blame, attack, or shun back in return. In that moment, forgiveness seems like a very high wall to climb.

    But when you understand the real purpose of forgiveness, that wall becomes an open gate to healing.

    To many of us, forgiveness is saying, “you did something wrong, but I will be the bigger person, and forgive you.” What we’re really doing in those moments is not forgiving. What we are really doing is condemning the other person and seeing them as less worthy than ourselves.

    A Course in Miracles and A Course in Love both remind us that we are One Mind. We come from the same Source of Love. And we beat from the same heart. If someone is acting in ways that are less their highest, it’s because in those moments, they’ve cut themselves off from that Love. And so they guard, protect, attack, or shut down.

    They feel unloved, so they unconsciously hurt others. Just like us.

    A Course in Miracles says all is either an extension of love or a call for love. There is nothing to forgive. Only to remember they, and we, are loved and loveable because we were created by Love.

    So what do we do, when forgiveness seems out of reach?

    • We love ourselves enough to accept our feelings.
    • We understand our heart wants love in those moments.
    • We understand they are part of our heart.
    • We say these words as expressed by the ancient Hawaiian practice of Honoponopono:
      1. I’m sorry. (I’m sorry a part of you – which is me- feels unloved)
      2. Forgive me. (Forgive me for whatever hurt is in you that has closed itself from Love because it must also be in me since we are One)
      3. I love you. (to the Divine in us both)
      4. Thank you. (in gratitude to Love)

    Our job is to be willing to acknowledge the truth, even if we don’t feel it. We allow the force of Love to reopen the heart.

    This doesn’t mean they need to become our best friends, or we even need to include them in our lives. What it does mean is we are healing the world by forgiving the broken pieces who have disconnected themselves from Love.

    By the way, I traded in “nice” for “deserving”, and 3 days later met a man who said, “I want to know more about you.” I smiled. We are now dating:)

    Try it for at least a week with someone or some situation you are having difficulty forgiving, and watch miracles unfold.

     

    Try these articles for more helpful guidance.

    The 80/20 Principle in Relationships

    Why Relationships Fail

    When Do You Leave?

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