This week was a difficult one. I had packed it a bit too full, to be sure, but grew excited from chance happenings, possible opportunities, and serendipitous connections. One thing seemed to be flowing into another. I was on a roll!
And then I wasn’t.
“What’s going on?” I wailed. “Why does it seem just when things are about to turn a corner, I hit a wall instead, while everyone else seems to skip onto the magic yellow brick road?” At this point, I was crying into my Kleenexes, paranoid I harbored some hidden beliefs of unworthiness that kept me from becoming the “grand” success I pined to be.
Never mind that in the past two days, three people shared with me how much my coaching and writing were creating miracles in their lives. In my mind, I hadn’t “arrived”, so everything felt like waiting at the bus terminal.
After a few days of low energy, pray, and journaling, I randomly opened A Course in Miracles to read this, “And all that stood between an image of yourself and what you are, forgiveness washes joyfully away.”
And in that moment, I got it. I needed to forgive. Not the misunderstood idea of forgiveness that insinuates sacrificing my wants and needs for someone or something else. But the forgiveness that lets go of the wish for things to be different than what they are.
I had to forgive the person who didn’t show up in just the way I’d hoped. I needed to forgive myself for not measuring up to my own standards. And I needed to forgive this world for not turning out the way I’d wanted.
And so began my list. “I forgive you, (name), for not being this way or that. I forgive myself for not being as productive as I could be, for not being grateful when I could be, for being overly sensitive to emotions and needing so much time for myself. I forgive this life for not turning out the way I’d planned.” And on it went. I forgave every thought of judgement and comparison that popped into my head.
And then I began a new list, first to other people, and then to myself. “I love you, (name), even if you are this way. I love you (myself) if you never produce a thing. I love you even when you whine instead of bless. I love you even when you’re emotional”. For every disappointment in myself or another, I chose to love just as it was.
My body relaxed, my feelings calmed, and love overtook my heart. The pain was gone.
Forgiveness accepts. Unconditional love heals.
When discouragement strikes, forgive what is not there. Then love what is without imprisoning conditions upon it. Let go of the way life “should” be and you will find you are home again.
“Seek not outside yourself. For it will fail, and you will weep each time an idol falls.”
A Course in Miracles
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