I woke up fearful and worried for the seventh day in a row. Now even my worry worried me. I had been here before, my own thoughts making me feel insane. I knew how depression could creep in when worry took over to the point of all encompassing, and I was hitting that wall.
I have felt the heaviness in my body, the disconnection from others, the lack of energy and joy in my life. I have felt the fear of it never going away and the desperation for it to change. I know what it’s like to push away fear with busyness, food, or drink. I’ve gone down that road, and it’s never worked.
This time, however, when I reached the seventh day, I sat in my meditation chair and said a prayer. “God, I can’t do this. I can’t live this way again. I need a miracle.”
It was then I got it. I knew what my depression was trying to tell me and what I needed to accept in order to bring balance and peace back into my life. And with that clarity, came a commitment that changed everything.
I cried, as I had the previous days, letting all the fear out like a cork shooting from its bottle, only this time, I wasn’t trying to change it. As I gave fear my permission to release herself, two things happened then. First, my body calmed down. Second, came a thought.
Trust God. Period.
All the fear, uncertainty, and self-doubt I was experiencing due to the recent growth and change in my life stemmed from a lack of commitment to myself. The depression came as a result of hurting myself rather than giving myself the love and care I would a friend. I was scaring myself with “what if’s” and allowing it, simply hoping something would change.
When I said that prayer, telling God I couldn’t live this way anymore, I was really making a decision. I made myself, in this moment, more important to me than any future. I declared I wasn’t going to do this to myself and with that loyalty, came clarity.
Upon deciding to support myself, sanity returned and revelation was revealed. “Trust God. Period.” These weren’t just hopeful words or positive thinking. With them, came a bold determination in my gut. I could look at my circumstances and wonder all kinds of “what if’s”, or I could trust the Source that created me and, like a loyal employee, say, “Okay, we’re in this together. What do you want me to do?”
A commitment is both feet. It’s not looking back or looking ahead. It’s staying in the present, knowing your next step is the thing in front of you. Beyond that is not your business. And strangely enough, it was in making that decision that enabled me to focus, move forward with confidence, and continue to enjoy my life without fear.
Get clear on what matters to you, and commit to it with all your being. It’s the difference between a life of fear and a life of power.
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