It was 2006. I knew it was time to leave my husband because of the peace I felt. To have left any earlier would have put my body and mind in more stress.
But I had no idea where to go. I repeat, I HAD NO IDEA. I didn’t know what I needed or wanted except to rest from the overwhelm of the previous year. I just wanted peace.
Driving toward an address I found on an index card from the Unity church I’d been attending, I had no expectations of what I’d find. I only knew I was trusting in God.
“Step back in faith and let truth lead the way. You know not where you go. But One Who knows goes with you. Let Him lead you with the rest.”
A Course in Miracles
Upon knocking, I was met by a young woman with a fresh scrubbed face and wearing yoga pants. After showing me around her peaceful home, she pointed out her treasured reading nook (a dream I never knew I desired until I saw it). We smiled knowingly at one another. Kindred spirits, and now roommates.
I left there that day with tears streaming down my cheeks. I never knew how much I could lean on God to decide what’s best. I had grown up struggling to feel worthy of good things, so I didn’t even know of what to ask.
Instead, I gave God only a heartfelt desire for peace. And He, in turn, gave me a sanctuary along with a new friend in which to spend the next year of my life.
I learned something that day, a lesson I repeat over and over when I find myself scared.
God’s goodness doesn’t depend on my bargaining with formulas, “if I do this, then You’ll do that”, or on earning it by being a “good person”, or by learning enough until I reach an enlightened state.
The good desiring to come into my life depends on none of these.
It depends only on my willingness to take a leap of faith that maybe I am loved. I don’t even have to believe this 100%, I only have to be willing, however brief, to dare Life loves me. Even in the face of seeming disappointments, I hold fast to my trust that Life is loving me, even here.
When we practice this possibility enough, we begin to believe it, simply because of the proof we see happening in our own lives.
You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to become some ideal. What you need is a true desire to know you are loved and a willingness to let the Universe show you how much you truly are.
It is only this desire coupled with a willingness to suspend any judgment that allows miracles to occur. Because you have allowed space for another possibility to exist.
“Your temporary willingness to allow for new possibilities will be enough to begin to effect cause and in so doing bring some sanity to your restless mind and heart.”
A Course of Love